Every now and then we can stop ourselves in our own tracks and discover more about ourselves in the most unexpected moments. And when it happens it usually will allow you to step back and look at yourself in a new light.
I have been alone for sometime now – and I mean that in a good way. Content with who I am and faintly cynical about relationships yet hoping for something that would somehow grab my heart or even attention for that matter. I wonder if I am able to unlock that block I seem to have. I cannot even begin to answer that yet. I am still locked away and afraid to feel.
Our mouths caught each other in the promise of more as I led her to her car in the dark. She said that she had lost her drink, frankly it could have been a ruse. Does it matter? When we got there, the torch light out with just the milky way lighting our silhouettes as we hungrily explored the beautiful softness that I seemed to have forgotten. Heavens her kisses had me in knots – we stopped short of anything more. Right time and place and all…
I thought nothing of it, been there done that – kissed and left. Happens all the time… but on the way home my phone beeped its message tone. A delightful text that made me smile. Oh my, the lift it gave me. So I am not so packed away after all. The week drew on and I bravely texted her asking if I could see her again. In the mean time I am thinking that this is daft bit no – positive messages kept coming my way.
This stopped me in my tracks and I self examined this reaction. Had there been so much rejection that I had brought on myself by blind wrong recent choices? Was I so hurt? Sadly truthfully more than I cared to imagine it seems. We think we heal and are beyond our scars, but we never know until the scab gets picked at for some or other reason. Here was a woman very open about her hurts when I was bravely soldiering on making light of what I now realise is still a gap to heal, a gap not an entire crater. You never know what will help you heal and sometimes you are lucky to experience feelings you have not experienced for a long time.
We met at the beach. My breath caught when I saw her. Another surprise for me. Her beautiful mane of hair carried so carelessly had me stop and just look. Just so there she is. Unself conscious and well so now. Her deep brown eyes with laughter lines and a little uncertainty meeting mine. Yes this is the difference, been round the block. Our stories flowed – we have them, at any age we have a tale to tell. Each unique and achingly similar. Where did the afternoon go? I watched the sunlight catch her, I looked her over as she spoke, admired her and slowly the lust began to creep in. Gently it slipped in and warmed me to a beating feeling.
We wove our way to the next social, me weaving in the traffic trying to keep an eye on the map…
Her mouth on mine as the music played and the swaying of our bodies. The thought that went through my head. “My Goddess, I feel like a teen”
Her kisses so so tender tantalising me. Then the intake of my breath as her nakedness covered mine, skin on skin.
The texts have been flying through our phones. I apparently look glowing. It must be because I have been to the bathroom, and made myself come with fingers every where just remembering her face as she came.
I am uncertain and weirdly 15 again. We don’t change do we? No matter how much you think that you are over the hill we still are odd when it comes to the matters of the heart and raging hormones. But I know this – we are both in the right place for now, and now is all that matters.
©Tass 2009
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