They say that when you turn 40 your life changes. Not only do you know who and what you are, you know what you like and dislike. Or so I thought…
I was ready for 40. Believing my quiet life to be just peachy..
Then my knight in shining armor arrived, ahem, make that, dyke in shining armor.
Hell, talk about life changing! Hitting the wall running.
Larger than life, with a smile that made me realize I was standing in the rain. Cupid’s arrow, a bull’s eye to the heart and my life changed forever.
Work, home, church – nothing untouched or unaffected.
In retrospect I realize now that my enthusiasm and joy was challenging for some and hard to accept or understand others. I was filled with undiluted love for the first time in my adult life and I wanted family and friends to be happy for me. Alas it was not to be so simple. Into the furnace I went, lock, stock and smoking vagina.
Church life became stressful as my now ex best friend and I used to sit in the same pew, next to each other. For her, discussing my life, new found sexual orientation and lifestyle was cathartic. Everyone knew. My coming out was over before I could say “pink feather boa” So into a silence I retreated.
My most amazing “one”, my all, my love took my silence with saint like stoicism and threw herself into my life wholeheartedly. Swapping her perfect bachelorette apartment with pale furniture and matching linen for a home shared by a 87 year old Grandfather, a 8 year old son and chaos, me. Making her intentions clear by moving 1400 00 km’s to be with me.
In time my silence started making me ill. I realized that I needed to speak my truth, walk my talk. As a woman, mother, Christian, lover and life partner.
When you break your silence many amazing things happen. You immediately feel lighter, freer, and healthier. Good things start to happen. Living your life in the light, speaking your truth and being authentic to your self is how we are supposed to live.
What this journey has taught me:
- Be true to yourself. You will be surprised by who stays and who leaves your life. The ones you expect to stay are generally not the ones that do.
- Do not lose yourself in silence or fear. Hiding behind a wall of silence robs you of true connection with family, friends, work colleagues and church family.
- Only surround yourself with people that enhance your life.
- The dust WILL settle. Life goes on. Somebody else will take the spotlight off you in time.
- Share your fears and concerns with your partner. Locking her out is going to hurt you both in the long run.
- Do not disconnect from your faith.
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