For it is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence.
Rainer Rilke
Jessica Stein famously leapt to lesbian attention as she read these words in a personal ad in the embarrassingly nineties film Kissing Jessica Stein. Rilke, with his tortuous intellectualism and epic self-pity, has always been a favorite of mine. I have prolifically quoted him first on Myspace and instant messenger profiles and then, when those technological passés became too juvenile, on Facebook and in cut-out newsprint on my dorm room walls. Much like the fictional Jessica Stein, I found myself drawn to this passage because of my burning desire for Rilke to be wrong.
See, I’m begging for the seven-year itch. Hell, I’d love to reach the seven-month itch. I’ve read Rilke, acknowledged my “shyness,” convinced myself that I am open to anything and everything, and have made the conscious decision that the next person I fall for will be someone with whom I’ll be able to maintain a relationship. I’ve done this several times over, and still my cycle continues. I am Lizzie the Anonymous Lezzy and here is my lamentable routine:
Step One: Charm the pants off her. I’m very good at getting women into bed. I’m very good in bed. I can flirt with the best of them, and being told no only makes it more fun when she eventually, and inevitably, gives in.
Step Two: Become her catch. Reading people has always been a skill of mine, and if a girl is impressive enough, or enough of a challenge even after we’ve slept together, I’ll make sure she gets hooked. Does she want someone cocky and stand-offish so she can feel like she’s chasing me? Check. Does she want someone to giggle with on the phone every night? I can do that. Does she want compliments and flirtation and romance? I’m an expert. This stage in my cycle is not malicious, I genuinely want this girl to want to be with me and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get that.
Step Three: Girlfriend of the Year Award. Initially, I am a fantastic girlfriend. I love sweeping romantic gestures, meaningful gifts, small surprises, thoughtful dates, all of it. I’m tender, bordering on saccharine, passionate and fun. I love being in puppy love.
Step Four: The three-month wall. It’s there, every time. Brick, cement, plaster, whatever it is made of, I run head first into an emotional bulwark 12 weeks into every relationship I’ve ever been in. I shut her out, and emotionally distance myself to the point where she breaks up with me. Every time.
So Rilke, excuse my language, but what the fuck? Shyness has never been a quality I possess. Being open to new experiences is my life’s motto. I want it; I want someone with whom I can share my life for more than a paltry three months. So there, I’ve covered all the bases from your passage, what now? I guess I’ll just keep going. Keep flirting at Beaulah, keeping meeting beautiful women, and keep trying until it clicks. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.
Maybe when you are ready to give up trying to B what someone else thinks you should be you will begin the B U and that womon who will take you past the 3 mos marker will be the womon you loves the real you...
