Here are the scenarios that rank most highly in my idea of a proper lesbian dating disaster.
1. You’re so attracted to her that you morph into a socially inept wreck, and all your plans to seduce and impress her go rapidly down the pan. You develop a nervous laugh that sounds remarkably like a goat bleating.
2. You found each other online, and clicked immediately. But when you finally meet her in reality, you find out that she was 20 years younger when her profile picture was taken, and that the truth is somewhat different from what she led you to believe.
3. You realise that actually she’s straight, and you’re an experiment.
4. She’s still in love with her ex, but she doesn’t tell you that until you’re hooked on her. Then she reveals that you’re not ‘the one’.
5. She’s got a bad case of facial hair, and there’s no denying it. When you snog, it tickles. No can do.
6. She speaks so quietly that you begin to wonder if you’re a bit deaf, and whether you should get fitted out with a hearing aid. If you have to use the word ‘pardon’ once more, you hope the floor will swallow you up.
7. Your table manners don’t meet her standards, or vice versa.
8. She’s too keen. It’s only your second date with her, and already she wants to move in with you and buy a cat.
9. She’s more interested in her mobile phone and getting drunk than she is in you.
10. You rapidly realise that you have nothing in common with her, and there’s no chemistry either. Your attempts at conversation involve the weather and what holidays you each have planned, but her answers are monosyllabic, so you’re swimming against the current, let’s face it.
NO WAY
I was just trying to offer a silver lining. But perhaps you are not the heroine of your own little story but the villian. You nasty cow.
(note to self: be glad to be transparent, see the heart, and stop being so sensitive)
