Hi – This is me :-)
A friend of mine asked that I write about my transition. I initially declined as I thought it would be an invasion of privacy & was not in the mood to engage in negative comments as I had enough ‘worries’ to contend with at that point in time.
This was in the very beginning stages & thus was very apprehensive about sharing.
I will not pretend to be an expert nor will I try to convince everyone to like or dislike what I’m doing. This is merely to enlighten those folks who are considering transitioning or who are just curious & would like to understand the topic a little better.
My name is Mr XYZ 26yo and I’m a “Female to Male Transsexual” – Fuck that’s a mouth full! (and I don’t even like labels) Apparently that is the correct terminology that society uses, shortened versions are FTM, F2M, transguy, transman, t-male etc. I personally prefer “Transguy” if I MUST brand myself.
First off, I didn’t just wake up and decide to be a dude!
It has been an underlying feeling for years & I finally got the courage (& finances) to start the process in December ’08.
I started corresponding with another chap who had already completed his transition & realized that I could not hide my ‘secret’ anymore.
It’s a very clichéd saying: My body did not match how I felt on the inside.
I always thought I was weird hating my body so much & wishing things dangled where they didn’t & where they dangled they didn’t.
Only regret is that I wish I could have started this transition process sooner.
My biggest concerns when ‘coming out’ was my long-term girlfriend, family, friends & work – HOW WOULD THEY REACT? This ate me up from the inside out wondering how to tell those closest to me. –
My mother already had the horrors when I was 17yo and came out as being gay. Hahaha. Ja, I just assumed I was gay cause I liked girls…which I’m sure a lot of you like GIRLS too ;)
Only difference is, I really thought I was a guy & that I’d been ‘cursed’ with my exterior…much like Pinocchio, how he wished & how he wished. Luckily I live in the real world & came to my senses that I had to be true to myself – After all we have but one life, lets enjoy it!
To get the process started I needed to see a therapist (shrink, psychologist) just to make sure my mental status is in check & that I’m making a clear & conscience decision to transition. The time spent with a therapist varies from individual to individual…age, mental health etc. etc. all play a factor.
Take note – There will be many medical professionals who will track your health – Both physically & mentally.
My therapist was happy with how things progressed & later referred me to an endocrinologist. This was a BIG step as the endo is the doctor which prescribes hormones.
My initial encounter with the Endo was very disappointing as he tried to talk me out of transitioning. Saying that my appearance etc. was still very much femme & that being ‘lesbian’ was OKAY – This I found degrading & was extremely annoyed. Pompass ass & at R1300.00 for consultation & some vital checks – Needless to say I was not impressed! Take note – medical aid does not cover trans related accounts. Currently paying out of pocket +-90% of required medical services.
The whole idea of starting hormones (Testosterone therapy) is to masculinize my body…especially my voice. Thru networking I came across a lovely & very trans friendly GP who was able to prescribe & monitor my ‘T’ dosage & overall physical health.
Prior to beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) I needed to have blood work done which checked my liver functions, cholesterol levels & other important vitals. Heart, blood pressure were also checked.
The reason for all these tests is to make sure that my health is not compromised as testosterone CAN increases blood pressure, cancer (if your boobs & uterus etc is still intact) liver failure, diabetes, heart attack & other depressing conditions if not monitored correctly. These ‘side effects’ are also subject to heredity and can be aggravated by poor health etc.
Knowing the risks & advantages of taking testosterone IS crucial – For me, the advantages out weighed the risks involved.
Remember HRT is for the rest of my life, much like insulin is for diabetic. This is because my body does not produce testosterone (male levels) on its own & therefore requires upkeep.
I opted for taking Depo-Testosterone it comes in a 10ml vile, which is injected accordingly into the muscle as it has the least negative side effects on the body than other methods. E.g. Creams/gels & pills etc.
One of the happiest days of my life was getting my prescription for my “T” & having “Mr XYZ” on the docket :-) it was also the saddest…as my girlfriend & family come to terms of ‘losing’ the ‘woman/daughter’ in their lives.
The first month on testosterone was weird –
(I was warned that I’m going to experience puberty & menopause at the SAME TIME.)
I remember clearly my first shot; I was on a natural high & already felt one step closer to my life long goal. Needless to say, the very next day I was sick as a dog & spent most of the morning throwing up. Could I have OD already??? No, my body just went into over drive & didn’t know what to do with this new found substance in it.
The first week I experienced excruciating headaches, hot flushes & stuttering.
During months 1-5 my acne was at its worst. I literally felt like a pizza face!!! I sure don’t remember going thru this 10years ago…no wait, there were OCCASIONAL breakouts! Hahaha.
I also noticed that my vocabulary was deteriorating as I found myself ‘lost for words’.
Another embarrassing moment(s) was when my voice started to break – This seemed to always happen in board meetings while giving a presentation or when I got cross. Looking back, it was quite funny :-)
These changes don’t happen over night, hence the term ‘transition’.
Present Status – Living 100% as Mr XYZ.
- 7 Months on Testosterone ( T ) 1ml which is injected every two weeks into my butt. I’m squeamish about needles & scared of hitting a nerve – My partner does this for me. Practices DARTS on my rear hahaha. Just kidding.
- Blood work continues to be done & monitored.
- I have high blood pressure, which I need to keep an eye on. Decreased my alcohol & caffeine intake. My “T” dosage cannot be increased until I get my blood pressure in check :-( - unless I want to give myself cardiac arrest – Not cool!
- Noticeable changes thus far: deepening of voice, increased hair growth almost everywhere, increase muscle mass & LIBIDO, receding hairline, menses ceased, body fat redistribution, acne on back continues, acne on neck & face has gotten better but worsens when I shave or consume too much alcohol or junk food. Texture/colour of skin changing, body & urine odour different.
- Emotionally: more calm, confident & sometimes abit oblivious to the world round me. Content & less stressed out…I sleep like a rock. I find I’m more visually stimulated than intellectually, although I can still keep a good conversation. I get annoyed when dragged along to the mall- I get what I want & leave. I have no desire to ‘shop until I drop’ anymore.
Happy about the progress forward & the support received by loved ones. - Friends, family & those closest to me have been very supportive & understanding. Although I am changing both physically & mentally – I am changing for the better, my quirky traits will still remain, including my love of chocolate & women :-)
- Requested a referral from my therapist to Groote Schuur Hospital to have ‘chest surgery’
- Till this day I never disclosed to my previous employer to transition as it was a contracted post & luckily most of the changes occurred thru winter :-). This was a personal choice, as I did not wish to draw attention to myself, although it was PAINFUL being referred to as Ms etc. I bit my lip & focused on work.
- I have been on vacation for 6weeks now. Getting myself together & updating my C.V – I’m hoping that we do live in a democratic society & that GENDER does not play the only role in determining your work application. I am after all a registered professional.
- Frustrated at home affairs for not being able to change my I.D – Busy sorting out the paperwork as I’m having trouble with banks & other institutes due to staff not believing that I am who I say I am – This has lead to loads of awkward & confrontational moments. This is my next challenge…
Last words of advice if you identify as FTM –
Build up a good support system, trust me, you will need it.
Carry cash on you when you go out, nothing worse than having to swipe your card & the attendant says ‘here Ms’ when you have been greeted as SIR prior to.
Don’t over do your ‘T’ dosage than prescribed, yes we want the changes to happen ASAP – Rather speak to your doctor.
Be patient with your friends & family, although you have known your whole life – Doesn’t mean they did as well! Pronouns & new name can be extremely difficult for family & friends to get used to, especially when you are still not passing 100% as male yet.
Yes it is a ‘big-bad-world-out-there’ be assertive, not everyone will understand-
Don’t take it personally!
Brace yourself for the increased sex-drive from ‘T’ – Don’t go humping sofas & neighbours!!! Hahaha.
Be a gentleman, there are enough low life’s out there.
The above has been summarized & touches on personal experience only. I suggest that further reading is necessary to educate yourselves. Please consult medical professionals, as there is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach to becoming the person you were meant to be.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey thus far.
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